EP266 Beyond Busy: Building Self-Worth Without the Burnout with guest Dani Said
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Sara Mayer: [00:00:00] Hello, bold goal crushers. I'm super excited about this episode today. I think you're going to love my guests. So let me introduce you after spending more than a decade in advertising and TV production, producing content for brands like a Kia PayPal and Porsche, Dani experienced major burnout. And level two adrenal fatigue at 34.
Sara Mayer: She quit her corporate life and moved to a tropical island to build a life and career on her terms. Now Dani is the founder of club slay a personal development community for millennial women. Whether you're gunning for a career glow up. Craving some purpose in life or design deciding whether to have kids club sleigh is the number one personal development platform for millennials determined to make a massive impact and live up to their full potential.
Sara Mayer: Dani, I'm so excited to have you on the show. [00:01:00] Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. What an intro. Yeah, I love it. And I love your story. First of all, wow, you worked for some major brands.
Dani Said: Yeah, look, I think, to be honest, that's just a bit of a like wanky, in hall pass, maybe to say I did, I did do big things we've all, a lot of us have done big things.
Dani Said: But it is, a nod to, the time that I did spend hustling in corporate, I did, put in the groundwork in order to build the skills and the network of people that have led me here today.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's so interesting. So many of my listeners, they may be sitting in a cubicle or even the corner office and thinking, is this really what I want to do?
Sara Mayer: Is there more than this? Or sometimes they're loving their job, but It's They have this dream on the side of building something different. And I think so many times society's you have a [00:02:00] great job, but you work for X, Y, Z company, but that doesn't always lead us to the path to fulfillment. And so you talked a lot about burnout, but you actually had some medical issues from burnout.
Dani Said: Yeah, so I think what's really interesting just to backtrack for a second is the notion of being in that job that you feel ticks all the boxes, that you're earning a decent salary, you may or may not be utilizing your degree if you study, you're getting that social credit from people, that tick of approval, you feel like you should be satisfied with your life and you're not, and there's something missing and you're dragging your ass through life, miserable, but you don't know why, because everything on paper Looks good.
Dani Said: You're thinking I should be happy. I should be satisfied. What's wrong with me. And I think that's the first step in uncovering what is right for you, because I was there and I so get it, especially at the moment with. The [00:03:00] cost of living the state of the world, it's hard, we can't just pack up and move to an Island or move to wherever we want.
Dani Said: We've got kids, we've got responsibilities, we've got mortgages. So I just want to say, I very much empathize with anyone who is sitting there and questioning their life and wondering why they're so miserable. You're not alone. And it's okay to feel that way just because you've ticked certain boxes that society accepts or people expect of you.
Dani Said: Doesn't mean that's the right path for you. And so I did that for, look, I think about a year into my professional career, I recognized that this might not be for me. And I pivoted within the same industry. Many times I went freelance, I moved States. I worked for a bunch of different companies.
Dani Said: I moved from digital to production to TV to, I tried to pivot. I tried a lot of things, but there was still this burning desire inside of me that wanted more. [00:04:00] And I knew I was always going to do something for myself. I just didn't know how. And think it's about having the courage to back yourself and.
Dani Said: In those first phases of, admitting to yourself that this life isn't working for me. It's okay, I don't have to have all the answers now. What's what does the first step look like? How do I uncover more about myself and learn about the things that are going to work for me in order to carve a path that's meaningful.
Dani Said: And that took time. That took. Literally 12 years to get to a point from sitting at my desk, looking out the window, wondering what the fuck, sorry. Can I swear? I don't know. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'll just mark it explicit. Okay. Great. It took 12 years. From sitting at my desk at this agency of a hundred plus people working on these huge brands, getting paid more money than I'd ever been paid before, and just being utterly miserable, looking at the people who were above me in that [00:05:00] world and thinking, I don't want to be you.
Dani Said: I don't want your job. And then to get to the point, 10, 11, 12 years later, where I just was starting to be physically ill. And I remember my mom saying to me, I was cause I would pack pack my belongings, pack a bag, drop the dog off at the dog sitter, drive to the airport, fly domestically somewhere, be away for work for about seven days in a row, doing kind of 15, 16, 17 hour days on a shoot, come back, work in the office for three weeks and then go and do it again.
Dani Said: And I was on this kind of vicious cycle and don't get me wrong, the industry, film production, advertising, it's very fun. But I remember, I was packing my bag and racing out the door to get to the airport one day. And my mom was staying with me for some reason at that time. I think she was visiting and she said, how long are you going to keep doing this? And I said, I looked at a puzzle. I said, doing what? And she goes, this, the, no one can continue this life for an extended period of time. [00:06:00] And I looked at it and I said, this is my life. I think that kind of stuck with me and sat in the back of my head for a little while and I started to realize that I felt like shit.
Dani Said: I was physically run down, emotionally beaten. I was just a shell of myself running on autopilot and it took a redundancy. For me to actually stop and pause and go and see an integrative doctor, go and figure out what's going on. Because I think unfortunately the medical system I know in the U S and in Australia, it gaslights a lot of us.
Dani Said: We go and see a regular GP. We say, we don't feel good. And they put it down to oh, you, you need to get more sleep, just eat less and exercise more, drink more water. Oh, your iron's really low. Go and take iron supplements, reduce your stress. And Do some meditation and I'm thinking that's not good enough.
Dani Said: That's not going to work for me. Sorry. I need more. So I went and saw an integrative doctor and did everything so many different tests [00:07:00] and finally got some information around why I was feeling the way that I was and I did have level 2 adrenal fatigue. My adrenal glands were just completely. Done, and that's why I would wake up tired.
Dani Said: No matter how much I slept my iron was extremely low. My hormones were imbalanced. I had really high estrogen, which was giving me awful PMS mood swings. My cortisol was extremely high. It still is, which means that I'm carrying weight that I just can't shift. It makes me sluggish. It makes me tired again, the mood swings.
Dani Said: And I was also insulin resistant, which is the step it. Before pre diabetes. So I was 34 and not in good shape. And all of these things are irreversible, sorry, reversible. It wasn't a life threatening sentence, but if you don't acknowledge where you're at and admit to yourself, Hey, I don't feel great, I'm going to go and just do one thing about this.
Dani Said: I'm going to just try and figure out this one thing, read an article, book an [00:08:00] appointment, get a checkup, do something because I couldn't live like that anymore. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And I, it's interesting. I'm glad that you were able to get all that squared away and identify that. But it's interesting. You said that within one year you knew this wasn't really the life for you, but yet you spent like 12 more years climbing that ladder.
Sara Mayer: And I think so many times we know early on. So why do you think back then you didn't do
Dani Said: anything different? Great question. I think it comes down to a number of things. I think it's fear. It's fear of the unknown. It's fear of neglecting the years I spent studying and not utilizing that degree.
Dani Said: It's social fear of being subconsciously rejected or seen as not good enough or the black sheep. It's ego as well. I tie a lot of my [00:09:00] self worth, I still do, and, to productivity, and I grew up in an environment where it wasn't, I was allowed to explore what I wanted, it was always do what makes you happy, but there was almost this social and cultural undertone of success equals this, and it was one solution, and it was go to university, get a degree, And get a job that's quote unquote acceptable or successful, get the job title, financially support yourself.
Dani Said: I think there are a number of contributing factors that kept me there. And I think when it comes down to it, it was, Not knowing what to do outside of that was all I knew and the further along you get in whatever you choose to do for a job, the more experienced you become, the harder it is to make that change because that's all, think what else would I do?
Dani Said: How else am I going to support myself? I've got this house. I've got this mortgage. I've got these kids. It's not an easy switch.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. And I also think it becomes our identity as [00:10:00] well. Like we're known for that thing. And I talked to a lot of clients who are like, why I have this big dream.
Sara Mayer: I want to do this. And it's completely different than what they're doing. And that's a sticking point for them, but I'm known for this. So how do I
Dani Said: do this? It's our ego, right? It's our ego. It's not being, dare I say, brave enough to come back home to yourself and tune into your true desires and the things that light you up.
Dani Said: Because sometimes the things that light us up are shameful. Sometimes it's not cool enough. Sometimes it's embarrassing or it makes us feel uncomfortable. So we stay in this box that we know is acceptable and it feels good, but there's a little part of us that dies with that. It's a little part of us that dies with that.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. So you had this medical emergency and then you made like a dramatic shift. You moved to an Island. So talk about that. I did. I'm very dramatic. [00:11:00]
Dani Said: I'm a very all or nothing person. So I was made redundant. I had just gone through a relationship breakup and the lease on my apartment was expiring.
Dani Said: And I thought. What am I doing? I can either continue on with the same life. I was living in my hometown, commuting 90 minutes to the city to work. A lot of my friends were married and had small children. I didn't have the social network that I once did. I was feeling like I was drifting away a lot from the community that I had there.
Dani Said: And my family had moved away. I didn't really have a lot of family ties there. And I thought I just, I've got to, now or never I've got to do something. And I had been to Magnetic Island in North Queensland before I had met some people here and there were two rentals available on Magnetic Island at the time.
Dani Said: Wow. Lots of options. Yeah. Plenty of options. And one [00:12:00] was terrible. It was this 80s retro rundown kind of place. And another one was this Also rundown, but a little less rundown. Like jungle House. And I said to one of my friends up here, I said, I'm gonna apply for this one. If I get it, I'll come.
Dani Said: If I don't, I won't. I was very whatever about it, I'll just do something else if this doesn't work out. And they must have been desperate because the next day I got a call to say that I'd gotten it. And before long I was packing up my apartment and putting my car on a on a truck to get, brought up here and I was on my way. That time, the first six months of being here, I expected to really slow down. And heal and I did to an extent, but I was so wired and so conditioned to go to move to be productive to just constantly be producing something. It wasn't good enough in my eyes to just rest.
Dani Said: And that did jeopardize my healing. And [00:13:00] it's still a mental battle. I'm a lot better at it now, but those first six months, that was the first time in a long time that I didn't work. I wasn't tied to getting up and driving to an office or going somewhere or being accountable to somebody. And it was my time to figure out what was next for me in this one beautiful life that we have what's next in a career capacity.
Dani Said: And it was beautiful and it was rich, but it was also hard. And I don't, I say that from a place of extreme privilege. I know that. Yeah. That not a lot of people can't just go and do that. I was very privileged that I just sold, my house that I worked my ass off to get. I'd come out of a relationship, I didn't have responsibility.
Dani Said: It was, my time to be selfish. And I do understand that's a huge privilege. Saying it's hard is. It's not probably fair in a lot of people's eyes, but I'm saying it from a point of view of, being conditioned as a Western middle class woman, that you need to be productive in order to be valuable, especially if you don't have kids, [00:14:00] especially if you're not going to have a family, then who are you, what are you doing?
Dani Said: So yeah coming here was the most. The best thing I could have done for myself. So I guess for anyone in a similar situation who can't just pack up and move across the country, what can you do instead? What are those schedule shifts that you might be able to make that you can take back a little bit of time for yourself?
Dani Said: What can you do mentally for yourself? Is there some support that you can potentially seek? Is it a matter of just having a couple of hours to fucking shave your legs and blow dry your hair and feel a little bit better about yourself? I don't mean to minimize it, but it all adds up. What is just one thing that you can add to your week that's going to give you a bit of headspace to think and settle in and calm your nervous system and just be with yourself?
Sara Mayer: You've said some really interesting things. I think one of the things that you mentioned was that you didn't give yourself the time to rest, but that productivity was tied to [00:15:00] your worth. And I think society puts a lot of pressure on being productive. Like I always talk about the clients who write something on their to do list just to cross it off because they're chasing that high of, I have to be productive.
Sara Mayer: And if not I'm lazy or I didn't do anything today or I'm, I'm not a good employee. I'm not a good spouse. I'm not a good whatever. And there's so much power in getting quiet yet. It's so difficult to do.
Dani Said: It's so difficult. Look at the world we live in. We're glued to our phones.
Dani Said: We're glued to the news. We're constantly receiving and processing information. Our brains weren't meant for that. We're constantly analyzing. Our lives and our relationships. Throw in any mental health difficulties, throw in any stresses, which everybody has, whether it's work or someone specific at work, your job in general, the workload, an issue with your [00:16:00] spouse, a family member being ill. It's not easy. It's not easy leaving this current modern Western life in The circumstances that we're currently moving through as a society, as a world, as humanity, and I don't mean to get all, humanitarian about it, but it's not easy.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. So you moved to an Island and you reinvented yourself.
Sara Mayer: What was that process? Did you have a process? Did you said it was difficult, but talk a little bit more about that? Like in hindsight, what? What would be the process if you were to do it again,
Dani Said: great question. So I zigzagged like I think a lot of people do. I went all around the world in my brain trying to figure out what this thing was going to be.
Dani Said: I knew I wanted a service based online business. I knew I wanted to utilize the skills that I had in order to help other people. But I [00:17:00] had no idea what that looked like. So I originally went down the coaching path and I hired a coach and I got a coaching qualification because I looked at a master's of psychology.
Dani Said: I looked at counseling and I didn't want to help people through things like addiction or family relationships. I wanted to help them become the best version of themselves and help them figure out who they are and create a life on their terms. So coaching felt like the. Best solution to that, but I'll tell you the mistakes I made in the beginning and that was relying on my coaches.
Dani Said: So when I hired business coaches, and I've had to the first business coach I hired, I spent what I could have spent. On a small car, and I needed a new car at the time, and I went all in and I thought, no, I'm going to do this. I want to do this right. And what I expected from that kind of 6 month coaching container was to go.
Dani Said: From beginning to end, having, starting with no idea and ending with a full fledged running business that was [00:18:00] earning me money. So first of all, that expectation was completely unrealistic. And for anyone who has done that kudos to you, but I think that is extremely rare and we need to remind ourselves that this shit takes time and.
Dani Said: If you are starting from zero, which I was, I didn't know how I wanted to help people. And you can't just go out and say, I want to help you be happy. I want to help you create a life that you love. I want to, that's all very wishy washy. We need to be clear on exactly what we want to help people with. And in order to be clear on what we want to help people with, we need to be clear about who we are as people and what our unique gifts are.
Dani Said: And I think in those early days, I spent a lot of time listening to other people and what they thought I should do. And I remember especially my first business coach saying, don't start a podcast. Don't start a podcast. Just go on other people's podcasts as guests. And I understand her point of view and I listened to her a long time, but it just didn't feel right.
Dani Said: And I eventually started my podcast and now it's at the top of the [00:19:00] funnel for my business.
Sara Mayer: Yeah.
Dani Said: So about. Yes, taking on the advice that you're paying to receive from experts, provided you've chosen the right expert to help you in that time, but also having the self trust to zoom out and go, okay, is this something that feels aligned?
Dani Said: Does this feel like it works for me? Is this what I even want to do? So I think it's that. It's also. One thing I probably would have done was set a timeline. I had a certain amount of money to keep me going for a certain amount of time. And that time passed before the business was successful and it made me feel really shit.
Dani Said: And I was in a real scarcity mindset. And when you get to that point, you put so much pressure on the business making money that it doesn't make any money.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. In say I'm in, I'm going to stop you right there. Cause I just thought of something funny, but I used to [00:20:00] work in sales and they would call that sales breath.
Sara Mayer: Like the people who really needed to make a sale, they're like, it's like the person who has bad breath. Everybody knows you're trying to sell something and you have sales breath because you're so desperate to sell something that it'll take any business. You'll talk to anyone, but. I just thought that was funny.
Dani Said: Hundred percent. I love that sales breath. People can smell it. They can feel it. We're not shells of humans. We have intuition and it feels icky. Anyone who has a high moral ground, it doesn't feel good living like that. And it puts a lot of pressure and stress on your personal life.
Sara Mayer: So
Dani Said: I think again, coming back to the ego.
Dani Said: I was hell bent on this working. I was, I'm not going back to full time work. This was it, but I was funding it myself. And when that money ran out, what do you do? And it took me months to realize I've got to go and make [00:21:00] money in the way that I know how. And I went and got a contract production job and the pressure was immediately taken off.
Dani Said: And I could go back to working on the business in a way that felt good in a way that felt meaningful, growing the community and not putting so much pressure on it. Providing an income because that's a lot of pressure. Life's expensive. And I think when I had that mindset shift of, fuck, what are you holding onto this for?
Dani Said: So tightly my grip of control over this working in it. And this only being. The one path or the one solution was so tight. And when I was able to let go of that and realize that I can make money elsewhere in a different way and work on my business at the same time, the business is going to be successful.
Dani Said: I know that the business is going to work. It is going to get to a point where it will support me completely. This was the mindset, but I need money to feed myself and house myself. Yeah. And a car, cause you spend it all and I need a car, but I don't have a car. I don't have any [00:22:00] food. My clothes are ready.
Dani Said: No, it wasn't that bad, I think that mindset shift was like, get over yourself. Just go and make money in a way that you know, how bring it in and then know that this doesn't mean that the business or the dream is over. It just means that you're balancing life and looking after yourself.
Sara Mayer: Ding ding.
Sara Mayer: That goes back to that pride and ego thing. Okay. Bye. Oh, if I in, and I've been there, Oh, if I go get a job, then I'm saying I failed at business or I'll feel that I failed at business. And that's tough.
Dani Said: It is really tough, but it's not a failure,
Sara Mayer: you
Dani Said: know, and I think that's one thing as entrepreneurs and business owners that we need to.
Dani Said: Embrace. It is not linear. And I think the only time it is linear is if it's been handed to you on the platter, even when you are quote unquote, at that point of success that you dreamed of, there's always the next goal post. So being able to, at any point in business. [00:23:00] I guess disassemble that ego and do what you have to do.
Dani Said: And I reframed it in my mind. I was like, this is just what I have to do to get to my goal. This isn't an alternative to the goal. This is supporting the goal.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. And I think so many people think they need to, and you did it, they need to give up everything and move to an Island and just start from scratch.
Sara Mayer: But that doesn't always have to be the path. It works for some people. Some people have the opportunity to do that, but some people need to work a full time job and work on their business over here. Some people need to quit their full time job, work on their business and get another part time job.
Sara Mayer: Totally. Some people have the opportunity and luxury to just jump into their business. But I think that's incredibly difficult. I did it and I know it's, I did it because of COVID. I had a layoff in COVID and they did call us back, but it was [00:24:00] like, Okay. Now I'm in the deep end of the pool, but I think that's incredibly difficult, especially when you're putting, as you mentioned too, I was putting so much pressure on the business having to perform and it takes time.
Sara Mayer: I don't want to discourage anyone, but I think it's a good three, four to five years before you truly figure out what your business should be.
Dani Said: Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And then what you want it to be. And then you get that really built up and get that humming and everything like that.
Dani Said: Totally agree. And one of my favorite quotes that I say all the time, which kind of was getting to the point that it makes me cringe because I say it so often, but it's a Marie Forleo quote and it's clarity comes from action, not thought.
Dani Said: And yeah, I think that if you can keep the money coming in elsewhere. Whilst you gain clarity, don't quit until you are 100 percent certain that's what you want to do in that moment. It will change, it will evolve because you don't [00:25:00] know until you start taking action. But I spent a year trying to get clarity and I zigzagged all over the place and I spent a lot of money trying to find answers.
Dani Said: So the only thing I would say is keep the money coming in elsewhere whilst you are getting clarity and until you're sure until it feels good, it feels aligned and you know what the first step is, I would wait to quit and throw it all in.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. And I love Marie Forleo. Hold for Leo. She's great.
Sara Mayer: I think one of the things that people get so afraid of is they're like I'm going to do this. And they want to like, they're not really sure yet. Like you tried the coaching route and did that and you got certified. You probably spent money on that. Lindsay Schwartz from powerhouse women who we were talking about before recording, she talks about a buffet year.
Sara Mayer: She says, I give people permission to have a buffet year. I'm going to try this. I'm going to try this. I might have a lot of that. I might not have any of that, but it's a way to give yourself [00:26:00] that permission to really try things on. And then you don't have to. Keep doing those things
Dani Said: a hundred percent big.
Dani Said: I love the idea of a buffet year. I'm going to, I might use that enough when I'm going to explain that in future, because you're right. And even once I, now that I figured out, with the business and I'm really clear and it feels good and it feels aligned and I'm like, yes, this is it. Yeah.
Dani Said: That's still going to change. And I still have moments where I think about my career and think, Oh, I would love to go back and study directing. I would love to jump on a radio show. I would love to do X, Y, Z, with multi passionate people. I have ADHD. I am creative. I can be a bit all over the place.
Dani Said: So allow yourself to do that and welcome that part of you. It's not, it's not a negative thing.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. I could talk to you all afternoon. It's probably morning there for you though, right? It is. It's every morning. The [00:27:00] opposite. But you created, it's Club Slay or? Slay club. Yeah.
Dani Said: Yes. Club slay.
Dani Said: co. We are a personal development community for rebellious millennials. And I love that we're very career driven. But we do cover basically it's a, it's an online community to answer all of the questions that you are struggling through in your thirties and forties. And it's an extension of the group chat that you're having with your girlfriends.
Dani Said: And we started with the podcast slay away where we interview women in non traditional career paths. We interview sex therapists, relationship code coaches women who identify or support the kid free community mothers. It's the whole spectrum of basically the answers to what the fuck am I doing with my life?
Dani Said: And. We've extended beyond that. We also have a career Quiz, which is really fun on club sleigh. co. You can find the [00:28:00] quiz on there. We are launching a course career clarity Academy. Bloody mouthful.
Sara Mayer: I love that name.
Dani Said: Basically, if you want to reach out, just come and hang out with me on Instagram at we are club slay.
Dani Said: I'm pretty active on there. Can DM me and you'll get in straight to me and Yeah. I love just connecting with people. I want it to be a community. It's a service based business. Yes. But first and foremost, it's a community for us to support one another and feel less alone.
Sara Mayer: And it's clubslay.
Sara Mayer: co CEO, correct? Correct.
Dani Said: Yes.
Sara Mayer: Awesome. I again, loved our conversation. I'm so excited to check out club sleigh. I'm going to take a look and I encourage everyone listening to take a look as well. If you've enjoyed this conversation with Dani, remember that you can check out club slate. co as well.
Sara Mayer: Thank you so much for being on the show. Thanks, Sarah. It's been fun. Yeah. All right. Bold goal crushers. It's time to crush your goals and everything that gets in the way because [00:29:00] you do not need to work double time. So let's get to it.
