Ep 195 Building Confidence with guest Christine Errico
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the bold goal crusher podcast for anyone looking to stop letting life get in the way and start crushing bold goals. I'm your host, Sara Mayer, and I'm thrilled to navigate this journey with you because it's time to start boldly achieving without working double time. So let's dive in.
Sara Mayer: Hello, bold goal crushers. I'm super excited to introduce you to my guest today. Born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Christine has more than, has had more than 20 surgeries, was bullied and was told she would never amount to anything because of her facial difference. Today, Christine is a TEDx speaker and a certified confident.
Sara Mayer: Confidence and transformation coach who helps clients improve their self acceptance and self esteem. She has a PhD [00:01:00] in business and also volunteers with smile train to advocate for the cleft lip and palate community. I'm super excited to have you on the show
Christine Errico: today. Thank you so much for having me today, Sarah.
Christine Errico: I'm really excited to be here.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. And you are such a testament to overcoming adversity and some of the limitations that we have in life and getting over bullying. I know I was bullied as a kid, so I'm excited to hear about your journey, but I'd love to start from the beginning. So tell me a little bit about growing up and being bullied.
Christine Errico: Absolutely. I was bullied from as far as I can remember, elementary school, kindergarten. I was probably students made fun of me. They called me horrible names. They wouldn't be my friends. They just they [00:02:00] thought there was something wrong with me. So they point, they would stare, they would laugh. They, whenever I was coming, they would say, Oh, here comes, the girl with the messed up look, or they would say, here comes the girl who can't talk.
Christine Errico: And they would make fun of how I was talking. And even at a young age, as young as five and six years old, it started to just affect you. And you started to feel I started to feel like. What was really wrong with me? Was I really that horrible of a person? And it just continued on in elementary school, in high school grade school, all throughout the years, I just kept getting stares on people that wouldn't be my, classmates that wouldn't be my friend.
Christine Errico: And they, the name calling never ended. I was, asked, was I, With my mother kicked in the stomach while she was pregnant, was I kicked in the face by a horse what was wrong with me? They said, my mother had sex with a monkey, horrible things. Even mothers of other children bullied me and, said horrible things.
Christine Errico: They said, she's not my daughter. I would have left her at the hospital or how can she have a daughter [00:03:00] like that? And it was just really. terrible because it really tore me down who I was as a person. It made me feel worthless. It made me feel like, who am I? And that I wasn't anybody.
Christine Errico: I had no, no importance and that nobody wanted me, but more importantly, nobody wanted to be my friend. And I was just this horrible, mean person. And I believe what everybody was saying about me, even teachers again, they thought that I was stupid. They said I would never amount to anything.
Christine Errico: They assumed that having a facial difference meant I had no intelligence. I did miss another school because of surgeries and needing speech therapy, but I always made up the classwork. My mother would get my schoolwork, make sure I did it at home or, try to schedule the surgeries during the summer or winter break.
Christine Errico: So it didn't affect my school that much, but that didn't matter. Teachers still believe that I didn't have the intelligence. And so it really just takes its tongue [00:04:00] on you and it just wears you down. It makes you this almost like a shell of a person. You just don't even know who you are.
Sara Mayer: I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Sara Mayer: And I wish that I could say, that was unique. A lot of children experience similar things and. You know that was a, I wish I could say that was so rare and hopefully that wouldn't happen to others. Unfortunately, I just don't know where kids get that. And it's so hard on the psyche and it follows us to adulthood, as and it could be no further than the truth.
Sara Mayer: You're a PhD now in business.
Christine Errico: Yeah. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And I was bullied as well, surprisingly for my hair, because my hair was very curly and red and different than my parents. And so they found out that I was adopted. So of course that was the whole thing while her mother didn't even want [00:05:00] her. And then my last name, which sounds so simple is mayor, but it's spelled like Oscar Meyer.
Sara Mayer: And so I was Oscar Meyer Weiner grill growing up, which was. Really awesome. So yeah and as you mentioned, it takes a toll on the psyche and the confidence and you use the term, a shell of a person and. I think so many times, whether it's bullying as a child or even a negative comment on Facebook, those things truly do build up and break down confidence.
Sara Mayer: So how did you go from where you were to where you are today?
Christine Errico: Actually, that's really a long story. Yeah. Because... It took me more than half of my life to get to where I am today to be able to deal with the bullying and all of the name calling and everything else that I've went through. [00:06:00] I took the advice of my mother, which I knew I know that wasn't.
Christine Errico: The best advice, but it was the best that she knew how to give and that was to just ignore them. Use the old childhood rhyme of stitching stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. And that's what I believed. I know now that's not true. Those words did hurt me, but I. told myself that they can't and I believe that they didn't.
Christine Errico: So I ignored what they said, but more than ignoring it, I denied it. I denied that I had a cluster of habit. I denied to myself that I was different. I denied that what they said was true, but denying it was different than just not believing it because by denying it, I refused to accept it. And I refused to accept who I was.
Christine Errico: I didn't talk about my cleft. I didn't talk about the bullying with my parents or at home. I didn't talk about it with, a trusted friend or an advisor. I didn't even seek therapy or help for it until [00:07:00] well into my 40s. I'll give you, I'm 50 now. I'm in my 50s now. I just had a birthday a month ago.
Christine Errico: I'm 53. So it wasn't until about 10 years ago that I actually started getting professional help for this. And I, like I tell my clients, I don't recommend living in denial because denial is not a river in Egypt, but that was how I survived. That was the only way I knew how to survive was by denial and pretending it wasn't real.
Christine Errico: And, even though I heard it and it did tear me down, I believed myself that, okay, I was something different. But what that there was, I just made it harder for me later on, because then I lost who I really was. And then I had to go through this process of figuring out who am I and really at, an adult in my 40s, starting to rebuild my confidence and realize, okay, I can do this.
Christine Errico: I'm not who everybody says I was. And it's time to come out of that denial and start facing what I've been through. [00:08:00] And what I learned is that everything that I've been through all of the challenges and the obstacles and the bullying made me stronger because I had to have some level of strength, resilience, determination to be able to deny it, to push through.
Christine Errico: And so I would draw on that confidence to be able to, do the things that I did, accomplish what I did. And to realize that it's part of me, it's part of what, who I am, what made me compassionate and understanding. And it doesn't identify me though. That was the biggest lesson that I learned is that just because I might look different doesn't mean that I am that bad person.
Christine Errico: And it's only a small part of who I am. Who I am is really defined by my actions. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And I love that you bring up that, one part of you truly is not your full identity. Unfortunately, so many of us have let that become so absorbing in our life, where we're obsessed with thinking about that, that it feels like [00:09:00] that may be, the full us, even though it's maybe only a sliver of who we are.
Christine Errico: Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. And it took me a really long time to realize that, just because I've had so many surgeries, I've been bullied, I've been through all of this. It's not who I am. And even as an adult I grappled with, okay, It's just who I am. I've made it my life now.
Christine Errico: I made it my purpose of helping people with a cleft lip and palate, but it's still not my identity. It's a major part of who I am, I'm also one of the things I'm a speaker. I love animals. I love nature. I have, I'm a business owner. I'm an educator. I've taught, accounting. So it's just a small part of me.
Christine Errico: And I always encourage people who think that this defines me, that defines who I am. And I, can't do anything else because of it, or I'm limited by it. I always say you're not, you're only limited by what you think you're limited by. And that just is never any, never true because you can go far beyond what you think you can do.[00:10:00]
Sara Mayer: And sometimes there's true power in the lessons we learn from adversity or the obstacles we've had to overcome. You mentioned resilience, you mentioned ability to overcome things. And sometimes we miss those lessons because we're so focused on, that obstacle.
Christine Errico: Absolutely. Yeah. And that's what I always say is that if I didn't have the experiences that I had growing up, all of the surgeries and the bullying, all of the adversity I had to overcome, the challenges and learning how to get through that, I don't think that I would be Have the strength and the determination that I have today to be able to fight and advocate for myself and have the confidence that I had because it made me a more compassionate person, made me more understanding to other people's challenges, and it made me more accepting of other people's and their differences.
Christine Errico: And then I may not have had, if I haven't gone through similar issues myself. [00:11:00] Yeah.
Sara Mayer: So now you have been a TEDx speaker and you've become a certified confidence coach. So talk a little bit about if somebody is listening and they're like, Oh, I've been through a lot, or I think I'm really focused on this one part of my identity.
Sara Mayer: How do they build that
Christine Errico: confidence? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I always say that confidence is basically a combination of three things. It's first of all, knowing who you are and what's important to you, your values and what you stand for. Once you get that makes you feel secure. And it's also knowing What's important to you.
Christine Errico: So like I said, once you know what's important, your values, your morals, that's going to help you make your decisions from there is getting a handle on managing your emotions, our emotions, they can be hard to manage. And for me, I denied my emotions. I refused to yell anything for the longest time.
Christine Errico: And that [00:12:00] also affected my confidence. But once I learned how to get a handle on to face my emotions, not be so afraid of them. I was like, okay, it's not so bad if I show it. The fear, or if I show the sadness, if I show the anger, and then that helped me feel a little bit better, a lot better about myself.
Christine Errico: After that, it's learning how to interact with other people, how to build those social skills, how to set the boundaries and say no, and realize that it's okay if you say no, because the world isn't going to come to an end, and you don't have to have everybody like you, and everybody doesn't have to be your best friend, you don't have to be everybody's best friend.
Christine Errico: As long as you're on your own best friend, and then most importantly, it's self care and I believe firmly in mindfulness. So by taking care of yourself, putting yourself first, realizing what's important. And again, that goes back to those values. You feel when you feel better about yourself, you exude that confidence, you exude the feeling of self [00:13:00] worth, and you know what's important.
Christine Errico: So making go out and then just be yourself and realize. That, you're worth it.
Sara Mayer: And that's truly what it's about being authentic in our skin and knowing that we are worth everything that we're doing, but also everything that we are being as well, but sometimes it's harder. It's more difficult than it seems because there are so many things that bombard us, the naysayers is children.
Sara Mayer: Hopefully you're not being bullied as an adult, but some people may be. And it takes that toll. So if somebody is really struggling with their confidence, what would you say is the first step?
Christine Errico: The first step I would say they're struggling with their confidence is to think I guess identify what areas they're struggling with because confidence is so multi layered and there's so many areas, somebody can have great confidence going out in public, but be [00:14:00] afraid to show their emotions or be vulnerable.
Christine Errico: So I would say are you struggling with confidence in meeting other people, or is just. begin with your emotions or where the confidence issue really struggles with. For most people, I think it's just feeling good about themselves, feeling that sense of self worth. And in that case, I always encourage them to find three good things or three things about themselves that they love the most.
Christine Errico: Whether it's a physical trait or even a non physical but a characteristic. Maybe they just love that they're really smart or they have a skill that they do really well. Focus on that and just really embrace it and just embrace it and be so proud of that. And I always say, look in the mirror and say, I'm really smart or I can play the piano really well or, I have beautiful eyes or whatever it is.
Christine Errico: And Realize that's the first thing about yourself from there that'll help you feel better about everything else and just continue to go out in the world and say, you know what I am who I am. [00:15:00] I'm the way I was made. And there was nothing wrong with that. And positive affirmations go such a long way.
Christine Errico: I know some people laugh at them and say, Yeah, it doesn't sound like it, but we are what we think. And I found also that, again, denying who I was denying that I was bullied. It really is Did a number on me. And then once I started saying, okay, I was bullied. I can't deny it.
Christine Errico: It helped me accept and help me build that acceptance so I can face it and let go of it. So those positive affirmations, those thoughts, they make a difference.
Sara Mayer: So many times as humans, we're focused on what's not working. And there are so many things, many times in our lives that are going well, or that we are gifted with.
Sara Mayer: And I am a big believer in positive affirmations for myself. I like to do them, but I also think many times we don't share the things with others that we particularly like or enjoy [00:16:00] about them or things they're good at. So I encourage you not only do your own positive affirmations, but provide others with those compliments.
Sara Mayer: Recently, I was actually in the Bahamas. Long story, but for work and this lady who was serving ice cream, the very first day gelato, I went every single night after the seminars and the first day she was like total grump and I learned her name and then. Complimented her on her nails. Cause she did have really beautiful nails.
Sara Mayer: And by day five, she was taking pictures with me and telling me, telling everyone I was her favorite guest, but it all started with that little compliment. That was true that I really liked her nails. And then we built that connection over several days. And she said, you don't know. How many at the end, she said, you don't know how many people come in here a day and how busy we get.
Sara Mayer: And you truly have been the most pleasant part of my day. Some days I'm [00:17:00] like, Ooh, that's sad, but also it costs me nothing. And it was truly genuine.
Christine Errico: And I'm sure it makes you feel amazing and it makes you feel good knowing that you made her day. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And that ties in with that self care because it's not only doing for ourselves, but it's also doing for others, doing those little things that make us feel good.
Christine Errico: And so many times, especially as women, we're told that if we do things for ourselves, we're selfish. But I don't believe that because doing things for ourselves, if we don't take care of us, nobody else will. And so when we take care of ourselves, we feel empowered, we feel confident, we feel strong. And even if it is something as simple as giving someone else a confident, a compliment that makes them feel good, it makes us feel good because we know we made someone else's day.
Christine Errico: We made them smile or we were just being a polite, kind human. And that, Lisa puts a little pep in our step, so I always believe that as [00:18:00] well. Yeah. And it,
Sara Mayer: it costs us nothing. It's so easy, but self care really starts with ourselves, but it does benefit others. It's like they say on the airplane, put your oxygen mask on first before you help others.
Sara Mayer: Because if you don't, you're of no use, honestly, to anybody else after that.
Christine Errico: Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: Why do you think it is so difficult for women to really focus on taking care of ourselves?
Christine Errico: That's a good question. I think a lot of it goes back to just the history of what was expected of women, how we were always looked at by society in our role, gender role as women that we were always expected to be quiet and submissive and taking care of everyone else, the caretaker for everyone else.
Christine Errico: And that somewhere along the line, that we was expected to be okay, that we didn't need to [00:19:00] take care of ourselves or that taking care of ourselves just magically happen. And so we were never taught as children, as young women growing up that, hey, we have to make sure our needs are met first.
Christine Errico: And. I think because society demanded more and more of us that it was always expecting that we would just give and so I think there is a change going on now and I always encourage it again within myself and my clients to put yourself first, make sure your needs are met first, like you said, if your needs are not met, if you're not okay, you can't help others, but I do think it goes back to generations in history where women were always expected to do more to be that foundation and to be that type of person that just gave everything to everyone.
Christine Errico: Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And so many years of history on that as well. One of the things that you help women with is overcoming social anxiety. [00:20:00] So can you talk a little bit about how you go about helping women
Christine Errico: with that? Absolutely. Yeah. So the first thing that I do is we start by learning how to speak up and ask for what you want.
Christine Errico: I was a terrible people pleaser growing up. I was so submissive. I did whatever anybody asked of me. I was the type of person where if asked where I wanted to go for a restaurant, wherever you want to go. If I was in a group, I went with over the group wanted even if it was something I didn't want because I didn't care.
Christine Errico: I just wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be rejected and I didn't want to make any waves and I wanted to avoid conflict. So the first thing that I learned from myself is that there was no harm in speaking up. It was okay to ask for what I want. It didn't mean that I was going to be labeled as a bad person or a mean person.
Christine Errico: And people actually respected me more when I did start speaking up because then, again, As humans, we like it when the humans [00:21:00] around us are happy. And so when I was speaking up for myself, other people respected me more, and I also had more self respect for myself. So the first thing I teach my clients is how to speak up for what you want, whether it's something as sending back a plate at a restaurant that wasn't what you ordered or wasn't right.
Christine Errico: And that's something I'm a Big big proponent of IAWC. Oh, my fries are cold. It's okay. I'll eat them cold. Oh, my food's not cooked. No, it's okay. I don't want to be a bother. And when I realized that, you know what, I can get over this fear and send it back. It was like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. It's like a whole new world.
Christine Errico: And it was so nice to feel empowered. And that was a big step in building my confidence. Like I can sit back and say, Hey, my fries are cold. Can I have hot fries? They're like, okay, yeah, sure. It's wow, this is, I didn't get struck down by lightning and I got hot fries and I can enjoy my meal and now I felt more confident.
Christine Errico: Like I can go out and ask for bigger and better things and I'm not going to get, shot down for it. And it was [00:22:00] amazing. So I always. Practice with my clients. We might do some , we might do some practicing asking for what we want, asking for what they want, starting small. Maybe it's just, I encourage them to go into a grocery store and ask where the bathroom is, or go into a grocery store and ask where something is, even if they know where it is.
Christine Errico: Just practice it. 'cause when you practice it, when you don't need it, that's there for when you do need it.
Sara Mayer: You bring up such a great point. So many times we. Just go with the flow. I've done that before where I was like, Oh, I don't want to send it back. I had a restaurant. I don't want to be the person at the table.
Sara Mayer: That's holding up the rest of the table from eating or whatever. And I used to have a sales coach that 1 time. He had me practice in the grocery store because I always felt like I was intruding on people's time. So when I would have a conversation with them he said, if you say real quick, you'll [00:23:00] be surprised.
Sara Mayer: People will have an hour. They'll say they don't have a lot of time and you say real quick and then they'll have an hour. And he said to practice it in the grocery store. And I was like, okay. So people would be like running out of the store with their kid and their groceries. And I'd say, Hey, real quick, I have a question.
Sara Mayer: And they would just chat for 20 minutes. It was bizarre, but that's such a great way to practice. And I loved your practical idea of just asking for help or. And getting warmed up in a safe environment there's an employee there who's that's hopefully their job to help a customer out, but it does allow you to build the confidence to then ask for something bigger Hey, maybe I need one day without.
Sara Mayer: Having the kids or one day not on my cell phone, or I just need to be able to take a bath for 30 minutes without an interruption.
Christine Errico: Exactly. Exactly. And those are the types of things that I do work on with my clients. It's how [00:24:00] to build up to asking for those things from family members, from partners. from co workers, even in your company, if you're going after that promotion, or if you want that raise, how to ask for it and ask for it with confidence while you keep your self respect and while you keep yourself intact without compromising yourself.
Christine Errico: I also teach my clients how to set boundaries. So many times I was a big one that had no boundaries because again, I wanted to please everyone. I wanted to be accepted. So I had no boundaries. And again, that was just left me feeling resentful and angry, but I couldn't, I didn't want to show my anger because again, I didn't want to be rejected.
Christine Errico: So I just kept it all inside, which I don't like doing. So we, my clients had to set those boundaries and had to start small. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And I had a boss one time explain it in two ways. Like when people take on all the work, they're looking for that achievement high or the acceptance high [00:25:00] or the feeling of feeling wanted and needed and relied on.
Sara Mayer: And so they would hoard the work and not share it. And I think that's so natural in that. I don't think anybody starts their day and they're like, how many people can not like me today? Like everyone wants to belong and feel accepted yet. We all have these things, this muddy water that we have to go through to truly be authentic and feel like we're living our intentional life.
Christine Errico: Absolutely. Yeah. And it's so hard to do that because especially if you've been living inauthentically or living for other people for so long, and then suddenly you want to be authentic, it's hard to do that. It's hard to find that place. But that all starts with knowing your values, what's important to you what matters most.
Christine Errico: And then from there you can start to build. All the other little things, authenticity, and that comes with asking what you want, knowing when to say no. And [00:26:00] again, humans as humans, we like it when we're real, we like it when we see other people who are being authentic, because then we can trust that.
Sara Mayer: Yeah I've thoroughly enjoyed this conversation.
Sara Mayer: And if one of the listeners or more of the listeners are listening, and they wanted to connect with you, how would they go about doing that? And then what might they expect?
Christine Errico: Absolutely. So they can find me on my website, ChristineErico. com, and on my website they can even download a free ebook if they sign up for my newsletter, How to Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin.
Christine Errico: It's all about building that self acceptance, being comfortable with who you are, and that's a really great ebook, has some journal howtobecomfortable. com. People who've downloaded told me they loved it and you contact me. I always give away a free consultation if you want to more interested about working with me, finding out what's involved, how I can help you.
Christine Errico: There's a link on my website, you can sign up for that. And If you do decide to do that, we would [00:27:00] chat, see how I can help you, how I can improve your, help you improve your confidence, your self worth, self esteem, self acceptance, even if it's something as simple as setting boundaries, how to ask for what you want, so many different areas we can work on and knowing your values and what you, what's important to you.
Christine Errico: So there's so many different ways that we can work, but there's a lot of information on my website about me and, my free ebook they can download.
Sara Mayer: Great. Thank you so much. And I'll go ahead and link that in the show notes and everyone can grab that ebook and schedule a free consult with you and really step into that journey of building confidence, no matter where you're at in the journey.
Sara Mayer: I think it's important to always be working towards that authentic life. That's intentional and true to you.
Christine Errico: Absolutely. Yeah. Thank
Sara Mayer: you. Yeah. I've loved having you on the show. Thank you so much. What a great conversation.
Christine Errico: Thank you so much, [00:28:00] Sarah. I really enjoyed chatting with you. It was fabulous.
Christine Errico: Yeah.
Sara Mayer: All right, bold goal crushers, it's time to get out there and crush your goals and everything that gets in the way so you don't have to work double time. So get to it.
Thank you for tuning into the bold goal crusher podcast where we crush goals and everything that gets in the way. I always love to support my community.
I look forward to seeing you crush your goals this year.
